Lists, August 2013

1-2-11
feel & go with the flow
listen to what is needed and bring it.

Build a strong
self-perception.
      Love
            yourself
              1st

1/4/11
1. Read, read, read
2. Stretch daily
3. show love & kindness.

1/7/11
Read
LOVE
medicine & miracles

NO WAR
I LIV
IN PEACE

These are lists (typed exactly as they appear on paper) that I found today when I was looking through some paperwork. They have no consistency to their format. There is a mixture of punctuation, abbreviation, capitalization. The handwriting is terrible. And it appears to have taken a lot of time and effort to get down what little is written on the papers. These lists were written by my mother about a month before she died.

My mom always had nice penmanship. I have seen hundreds of lists she made in the nearly 30 years that I knew her. She loved lists (always written in pencil) to organize thoughts, chores, goals, dreams--you name it. Mother was a writer. Putting her thoughts down on paper was something she loved, needed, and thrived upon. Lists were not difficult for my mother. These lists written in her last January on planet earth were difficult, but she made them anyway.

In the weeks before she died it was incredibly difficult for her to express her thoughts, verbally or written. There was cancer all over her brain...and she was done. I wondered if my mom still could even think in the complex way that she had as long as I'd known her. Looking at these lists, it's safe to assume she could.

Mom also was on a continual journey of self-improvement, as we all should be. These lists are an example of that. A woman who knew without question that she had a few short weeks to live was making lists on how to live as a better human being. If that doesn't move you, something is wrong with your soul.

In her quest to be better in this life, she would always give me advice she'd picked up. I didn't pay much attention to it then, but I would do anything for it now. Mother would always tell me that people do the best that they can. I often reacted to that with irritation because just once I wanted people's "best" to be better.  Mom would always tell me I was a fixer, a nurturer, a rescuer, and a peacemaker...and while they are great qualities, they would leave me disappointed if I didn't watch it. She would tell me just to do the best that April can and be okay with that.

A few days ago someone told me that I was a "fixer." And that I can't fix everything. And that sometimes you just have to know you've done as much as you can and let it be. I have replayed that conversation dozens of times because it is almost verbatim what my mom would tell me. Maybe someday that advice and wisdom will actually sink into my stubborn psyche (mother loved to point out that I am a stubborn Taurus...guess she was right).

It's been a long and tiresome weekend (or whole life, really--but let's go with weekend for the purposes of this particular ramble). These days more than ever I have wanted to run some things by my mom and ask an opinion or two (or fourteen) of her about a whole lot of things. These lists are no substitute for her words, in her voice, crossing her lips...but I am very grateful for them.

It's a new year. I know January is the start of a new year for normal humans, but I think many teachers will agree that a new school year is the start of a new year for them personally. It is for me anyhow. And just like my mom wanted to do according to her final lists, I am going to give those things a try. Go with the flow. Stretch. Read more. Love more and show kindness. And love myself...fix MYSELF. It's a much better place to start. Everything else will work itself out. I believe that...thanks, Mom.