One of the Good Ones, February 2014
My mother LOVED "Angel from Montgomery," a John Prine song that Bonnie Raitt covers better than most any song has ever been covered. In addition to being beautifully written and sung, I think my mom really connected to its lyrics and meaning. There is a line that says "the years just flow by like a broken down dam."
I fell asleep hard and fast last night, on top of the covers, light still on in my bedroom (no, I was not home from a bender--I'm just exhausted! Ha). This morning at 6:26 I jolted awake a little disoriented as to why I was dressed and asleep in a fully lit room with the lights on. I got my bearings and realized today is February 8. February the stupid Eighth.
Although those John Prine lyrics are written in a different context, the years do, in fact, flow by like a broken down dam. 12:51 p.m. today will mark the full third year that my mother's soul left this earth. Three years. It is unbelievable to me how long that it has been, how quickly that time has passed, and how fresh it still feels after all these years.
Watching someone die sucks. Watching your mother deteriorate and die at barely 53 years old REALLY sucks. I'm 20 years away from that age and can imagine that with the way time flies, I'll be there sooner than I realize. Even in her short time here, I feel like my mom touched a lot of people's lives, and everyday that passes I realize more about her than I ever knew. I wish I had realized who she was sooner, when there was still time. But I know that she knows that I know :)
I am so incredibly lucky to have gotten to spend almost 30 years with that woman. Our behaviors and human nature will always leave us with regrets about what we should have done or said and how much sooner we should have done or said it. But in this situation, that is a wasted emotion. A better use of this day and my emotions is to be thankful that I get to be her daughter. I feel grateful for all the lessons she taught (and continues to teach) me. I feel touched and honored that she admired me and thought I hung the moon (after years of typical mother/daughter butting heads). I feel fortunate to have been by her side when she needed me to be and to have had the strength to honor her publicly on the day we buried her.
Every single second that passes is precious. You have to make them count. Don't let the years flow by like a broken down dam. Live. My mom taught me that just weeks before her own death...I will never forget her voice saying to me: Be happy...don't be afraid to. Life is to be LIVED, not to be scared of.
Mom...Thank you for those words and for about 29 years and 9 months with me right here on earth. Nothing to be scared of...just live. Like our song says: I won’t be afraid just as long as you stand by me.
